Just two years ago, I made what was, back then, a huge decision. I was graduating music college and in a place in life that made me unhappy. Sometimes, thinking about how I let music slip away from me still hurts, it hurts a lot, but I know that I made the proper decision for myself. I was aware of my own flaws and lack of marketability in the Western Industry. Having auditioned for Kpop Star, I was also aware that I lacked the charisma that made an idol in Asia as well.
With that in mind, I went into studying design and I put my whole heart into it. I don't think I've ever studied anything as intensely or with as much dedication as I do design. Even though I'm known to procrastinate now and then with some kpop, I put down all my dramas and socializing, letting myself sleep three hours a night in order to achieve what I want to. I've put so much time into this because I had one goal in mind - foreign exchange.
Getting my results back, I do have the sinking feeling that I haven't made the marks in order to get what I want and that kills me. It hurts because I know how hard I've worked, what sacrifices I've made and I know that there was no way for me to do better. The fact is that I do not have natural talent or inclination towards design, what I know is purely out of class and practice. Instead of making me satisfied that I did my best, it only concerns me because I feel my best wasn't good enough.
However, tonight I reminded myself that it doesn't matter. I never went into design with the intention of being the best, simply because I didn't think I was capable. Frankly, I am not the best at anything and never have been. In a sad kind of way, I accepted that but still took on this course as a challenge.
In the last two months, I was faced with another crossroad. I was given two paths, one which was tedious but simple, and the other that was exciting but extremely risky. Typically, I would say the smarter decision is to take the safe road but I also know that that would make me unhappy. Although people think that twenty two is young and a time to take risks, I don't feel that that. To me, I think I wasted many years of my life making mistakes and, finally, I need some form of success.
And so? I'm going to take the riskier path. I'm not a thrill seeker but I know I need to make a selfish decision now, against what everyone is telling me to do. Even if it's a long shot, I need to try to find some satisfaction in life.
In the end, the choices that we make are and need to be selfish. You're living your own life and, as I said before, you are the only constant. It doesn't matter what other people want you do to or if you want to follow your friends to college. Things are scary but, unless we dare ourselves to make the plunge, we'll only be forever trapped in a situation that doesn't make us happy.
